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Meanwhile

by Brian Bulger

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about

I’ve spent my whole life being the “other”, the kid who was poorer and weirder than the rest of the pack. The kid who had an “alternative” upbringing, a unique backstory that you’ve surely never heard before. “Meanwhile” is about being tired of being the one who’s different, and recognizing that I often want to trade my backstory for normalcy. I just want to relate sometimes! Relate to the folks who talk about their childhood in endearing ways, their mothers caring for them, their family vacations, the holidays, going to school (I stepped foot in a high school for the first time at the age of 16, it was a talent show, we lost), the sports teams they got to play on, and the list goes on and on. I’m a weirdo! Truly. But I’m also acknowledging that I can’t change the past. I can’t go back and have loving parents. I can’t go back and try out for the baseball team. That part of my life is over.

I’m existing as a post-traumatic upbringing adult. It’s not pretty, but finding the beauty in the present tense is so much more fulfilling than trying to fix something that can’t be fixed. I’m living my life now for not just adult Brian, but kid Brian. My birthday party this year was a softball game, it was awesome and my inner kid was so happy. I’m using my horrible childhood to help others heal and grow and learn. And I’m grieving what was done to younger Brian. Because for the first time, I love myself. You can only grieve what you love.

I’m being human!

Huge thanks to my best friend Ephraim for always supporting me and making art with me. Couldn’t do any of this without him. Also so thankful for the talented folks who are featured in this song: Luke Ford, Jenna Bulger, and Cole Simmons.

Um ya so thanks for reading this. This music thing is exhausting at times but I try to remember to have fun making music. ‘Cause that’s the whole reason I’m doing this. Because I enjoy it.

lyrics

I don’t wanna be the one with a story
I want beautifully boring
Loving home
Picket fence
Give me silver spoons
And money to pay the rent
Hell I’d even be a lawyer if it meant I could get some sleep
You could put me in the middle of nowhere if my brain was clean

I know you’ve got grit
And benefits
You’re blazing your path
Wind at your back

And meanwhile
I’m on the brink
Of feeling normal
It’s harder than you think

I don’t wanna be the anomaly
I wanna relate to what you’re saying to me
Yeah my mom used to do that too
Yeah I also had friends in school
I also dressed up on Halloween
Won medals and figurines
I was hitting par on the green
My grocery lists included breakfast and name brand snacks
Don’t expose it, the lie is better than the fact
Don’t make me look bad
Don’t make me look back

I know you’ve got gifts
And benefits
You’re blazing your path
Wind at your back

credits

released August 11, 2023

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Brian Bulger Springfield, Missouri

alt-folk singer songwriter.

KC MO.

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