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Exist

by Brian Bulger

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1.
Tater Tots 03:51
The tv in the dmv is fuzzy and confusing A bride laughs about jewelry A man talks about roofing There’s fussing and there’s wallowing Hints of methamphetamine Glances that say a lot Chances of a melting pot Children and ghosts Filter through the door Elbow acquaintances Half-assed decor A woman cries in Spanish as a line begins to form Maximum occupancy The room is getting warm The counter is inching closer to my number keep composure My stomach is tied in knots From a lunch of only tator tots Cancer in our bodies Just waiting for it’s chance to say Not much time for recess kid Hurry now it’s judgement day Put me on my knees Put me high up in the trees Forgive me when I’m petty Warm me when it’s 3 degrees Sing to me when I’m in the shower Grappling with my own existence Thinking of my awkward times Choosing paths of least resistance But what if I had been myself When I came out of someone else What if I was taught to live And not to prepare for hell The counter is inching closer to my number keep composure My psyche is tied in knots From off-brand microwaved thoughts This song means nothing Think of all the places this song could play Like when the oven timer goes off Or when you tell your parents you’re gay It could play as you take a shit It could play as you throw a fit It could play as you shave your head It’s playing now as you go to bed This song means nothing And being alive is silly This song means nothing And being alive is silly
2.
Heading out to Massachusetts Haven’t even taken a sip God I wish I was born there And not just taking a trip If a nosey neighbor would have called again They’d have picked me up and set me down at random Russian roulette with the country Please just anywhere but Branson I don’t wanna be My fathers son I saw the house you were born in Your father sheltered you in love Never knew I was so Italian Your brothers showed me my blood You left a home that loved you as the daughter you were and the victim you are Momma tell me you feel bad More than you feel stuck in his arms Yes she was wonderful But she was gullible Top of her class Majored in math Fell for the loner who was sick Shared psychosis I don’t wanna see My momma gone I am the limb that fell from grace Trying to find my place Trying to find my place Set me down at random I’m trying find my place I don’t wanna be Anyone but me
3.
Meanwhile 03:34
I don’t wanna be the one with a story Beautifully boring Loving home Picket fence Give me silver spoons And money to pay the rent Hell I’d even be a lawyer if it meant I could get some sleep You could put me in the middle of nowhere if my brain was clean I know you’ve got grit And benefits You’re blazing your path Wind at your back And meanwhile I’m on the brink Of feeling normal It’s harder than you think I don’t wanna be the anomaly I wanna relate to what you’re saying to me Yeah my mom used to do that too Yeah I also had friends in school I also dressed up on Halloween Won medals and figurines I was hitting par on the green My grocery lists included breakfast and name brand snacks Don’t expose it, the lie is better than the fact Don’t make me look bad Don’t make me look back I know you’ve got gifts And benefits You’re blazing your path Wind at your back
4.
Exist 03:47
All my friends are dead-end-job writers Pulling video game all nighters The ignorance of their potential Walking with their pants around their ankles Talking shit on themselves I join the conversation and spell The words of their subconscious I’m obnoxious and the best of friends I meet them down at the cool kids club Share with them the current drug Mix in my pride with the misery Purgatory energy One lacks ambition One is on a mission One shakes his head at the college kids wishing Dreams are for body bags I feel safe in thrift store tags No my parents won’t put my picture on the fridge But my Minecraft house is sick And my friends know I exist Is it enough to just exist Is it enough to just exist Don’t need a Wikipedia page about my accolades Piles of the deals I’ve made No 20 year bonus Don’t even know where my phone is Can someone call it Can anyone control this Chaos in motion Plans set in Stonehenge Me, I’m a tourist of tradition Many have been and died and done it all over again I know how this ends I know chaos wins So I’ve joined forces, we’re friends Is it enough to just exist?
5.
Emerged from the water A lamb for the slaughter Death as a martyr Was all I aspired to be What a twisted dream Drank Christs blood for the meme To be part of the team That felt so weightless Destined for greatness Can I just be Destined to see What’s right in from of me Purgatory energy One day when I go walking I won’t think of my purpose I’ll skip on the surface Smooth rock on the stream That is God enough for me Hit the ground with a thud Like a kid in the mud Love the dirt on my skin Love your questions digging in Secret handshakes and baking pies Love me when I lie Love me when I cry When I’m stupid and lame And can’t remember the names Of your favorite movies Im chaotic and goofy Lighthearted and devastating Im home in my pacing body as it breathes in deep and recognizes me And says let’s just be It’s enough Anything and nothing It’s enough
6.
Two seas collide and the moon is taken back In all it’s life, it’s “Never seen a love like that” All across Ontario, we found each other in the rivers and the snow Take me where your heart is at Sing a thousand stories with sincerity Discover your own melody Take me where your heart is at Laughing lines on your eyes Only beautify with time Take me where your heart is at Take it slow, take me where your heart is at Our love is an everyday kind of love No shame kind of love All of me kind of love Every morning we’re in it Every evening we’re in it And when there’s a bitter taste, we embrace for triple digits Take it slow, take me where your heart is at I know you walked in With bruises on your chin And it took me a moment to notice But something about you makes me want to love deeper Makes me wanna live slower Makes me wanna talk sweeter
7.
I’ve still got some charm to spend I’ve still got my mind I know that we both tend To slip through the time I’m terribly suffered You’ve got tough skin I’m terribly awkward You blend right in I can’t understand myself I’m a dead language All extinct Baby when the ice caps melt We can slow drain down the kitchen sink Everything’s amazing now Everything’s alright There’s an ad in the mountain There’s an ad on the beach In the sound bites we swim in The money gets leeched Darling I’m spent now Paying to breathe Remove me from downtown Put me to sleep Chaos in motion Plans set in Stonehenge We just keep on landing on our own two feet Lifelong vacation From hive-mind sensations We just keep on landing on our own two feet
8.
I cant smell a thing anymore It happened too soon Filling up a room with your perfume And wondering If you’re ever coming home I was at the grocery store The day after Heard a laugh there that sounded just like her I loitered It doesn’t take that long for someone to pick out a loaf of bread
9.
Flying 03:22
Negative one thousand 100 percent chance Of lows in the 20’s Iced out lake dances Moon shimmers off the snow 6 to 7 inches At midnight I’ll you know How I drained down the kitchen sink I feel like flying honey I feel like flying Even if it only lasts a moment Moon shimmers off the snow She hovered over the ice rink They talk about her like a ghost That drained down the kitchen sink Slowly now Ever slowly now She used to love this band And with the windows low I’m flying somewhere safe Somewhere only we know
10.
Impression 03:26
We were sippin’ on existential dread Come on, get in bed A couple melatonin to clear your head No thoughts tonight you said “I don’t need drugs to pick a fight With my self I’m up all night Hell is a pixel I sleep inside 64 gigabytes Where everyone I see on the street looks like me Mirrors coming out of their sleeves And when I self destruct they turn sharp Works of art, masterpiece Fear of the second hand speeding right past me Something is missing Whoever’s got the private line of the keeper of time Tell them to rewind me Drinking a lie; a means to an end I’m just trying to find my friends Dreamt you asked for my two cents I used them for repentance When I put my hand outside I feel like flying Even just for a moment Theres a picture of us wasting time Come on, waste mine I promise not to fake it There’s a picture of us wasting time Come on waste mine I promise to be patient Come on, give me your best impression I promise to be patient
11.
Now I Am 03:40
There must be a man back there Pulling the strings with care Computing his way through my life I catch and I fumble it Now it’s too obvious Everything random in time Yes I’ve been tested And I’ve blown it Shutting down feels automatic Now I am gone Volume to one Fade into static I’m deep in the swimming pool Small as a molecule I didn’t make much of a fuss And floating on top of us Wounds of the deepest cuts But wide is the bandage of love Yes I’ve been stuck Deep in the muck The pulse of a burden is slowing Now I am here Swallow your tears My heart is still going Shedding the shell of rage Feeling the pains of age Making the kid in me smile Doing what wakes me up Trying to make a fuss Think I might rest here a while Giving so much Losing my touch I slept inside of myself as a guest Now I am me Wholeheartedly Doing my best

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released October 19, 2023

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Brian Bulger Springfield, Missouri

alt-folk singer songwriter.

KC MO.

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